Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
You Might Also Like
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
worst…sale…ever
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere