*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
No, YOUR illiterate.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.