[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me