*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
How does one answer this?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal