Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
when there are deer in the woods
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings