Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.