Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You Might Also Like
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends