male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
You Might Also Like
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended