Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE