Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.