How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
what?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.