How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
every college guy’s fridge
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!