4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me in tagged photos
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend