me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Just me?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit