I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.