I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You Might Also Like
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Its a hippotatomus
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
(True)
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic