I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)