I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Traveler’s camo
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
all bases covered
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple