“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Why font matters.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
all bases covered
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”