Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?