My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶