People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Important
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?