me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.