Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
You Might Also Like
me 2 months after i graduated
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
They got Raph!
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest