Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Watermelon Boss!