I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.