Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
You Might Also Like
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Hard not to take this personally
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.