I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first