Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.