Every photo I’m tagged in
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”