My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’