Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
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Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
This why you should mind your business
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.