Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I need a headline like this
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater