My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…