First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Wednesday
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
🙄😏😂🤣
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
This will never not be funny 😭
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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