Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?