If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”