My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
normalize having existential bread
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Meanwhile in Canada…
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.