Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.