Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.