Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
found this cool rock hiking today
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
😬
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.