GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
You Might Also Like
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
This made me chuckle.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion