I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.