What a kind woman! 😂😂
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Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.