“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*