Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
who wore it better?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
stop
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator