Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.