My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
step 6: release the wall snake
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”