“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.