evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
jesus, what did this guy do
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?